Dad and Company
Join hosts Jacob Espinoza and Dylan Schmidt as they explore the joys and challenges of modern fatherhood. Each episode features candid conversations about parenting, work-life balance, and personal growth. Dylan and Jacob share their own experiences as dads and welcome guests to discuss topics like bedtime routines, discipline strategies, and building strong family bonds. Expect honest talk, practical advice, and a supportive community for dads at all stages of the parenting journey.
Dad and Company
Fatherhood, Friendship, and Finding Balance
Welcome to this week's episode of Dad and Company!
In this episode, Jacob and Dylan are talking about:
- The rising costs and business side of youth sports leagues.
- The challenges of making friends as an adult dad and finding shared activities.
- Navigating the complexities of dating as a single parent with kids.
- The delicate balance of introducing new partners to children after divorce.
- How loneliness affects dads and strategies for social connection.
- And much more!
currently like there's not really like a meaning behind it.
Speaker 2:It's just me talking to be noisy that's like uh, that's from the new m&m song, right that's my favorite verse, for sure you're listening to dad and company with me, dylan schmidt and you j-j-j-j-jacob espinosa what's been going on. I feel like it was a gap since last time we recorded because the way we planned on releasing it, but now we're going to be in the flow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, flow state. We just keep going, keep growing, getting better. Man life is good. I assigned a couple of new clients this week, so that feels good for sure, seeing business headed in a good direction, Feeling really good about the impact I'm having with my clients and people, just making more money, living more fulfilled lives, which is always the outcome we look for. Feeling good about business had a great week with the kids last week. Then this week is my week off. I've been kind of in a lonely place man, I'm not going to lie. These last couple of days I'm like why am I not better at reaching out and hanging out with people? I certainly have people I can reach out to, people have reached out to me, but I'm just working. I don't have my kids. I need to be better about having that time for peer relationships and friendships, for sure.
Speaker 2:Do you try to cram it all in on your weeks off For?
Speaker 1:sure.
Speaker 2:So you're like oh, I'm kind of like a rhythm on your weeks off where you don't have them. You're like I'm gonna get all this work done and then, so that next week I don't have to worry about these things. Is that how it works?
Speaker 1:That's pretty much how I approach it. It's definitely not an approach I would recommend, because there is the risk of just being burnt out because you're just working all the time you don't have your kids. You can't be at your best when you are with your kids, so I definitely teeter-totter, kind of go back and forth. I've been a lot better at least weekends, like just unplugging, not worrying about work. I might work a couple of hours a day if I don't have my kids and have some projects I'm trying to wrap up. But especially in the summer, like I, I worked as little as possible when they're here because I want to do fun stuff with them. I have some standing meetings that I, you know, are kind of part of the agenda and I'm I do a pretty good job of letting them know like here's what I have going on today about outside of that, like let's we'll um. But yeah, there definitely is a temptation when I'm not with them to just like work, just just.
Speaker 2:That's what I do because I enjoy working also, but at the same time there's a limit of like I need to make sure I'm refilling my tank yeah, when my wife and I we had our daughter, at first it was like trying to manage because we both well, I I work from home, she works I'd say like 50 from home and that just I would say guilt. When you're working is just like we just gotta go. When it the nanny's here helping, uh, and just full steam ahead. You know kind of. It kind of reminds me of that rhythm of when you're off, you like I gotta make the every second count.
Speaker 1:And then when you're on as a parent when you're, you know, you're never really fully off, but like when you're on as a parent, you're like I gotta make every second of this count, you know, and it's like such a recipe that intensity is is draining absolutely, and sometimes we can only be at our best in those moments when we take time to be by ourself and just be bored and just like think and let like process and let intuition just take over and, like a lot of times, that's where the best ideas come from. If we don't create that space, we don't give ourselves the opportunity to really reach our potential and get better and learn off of the things that we've been doing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Speaking of taking that space, this is a crazy Segway. This is the Segway of all Segways. This is a Segway we could ride this bad boy Actually. Okay, side note about Segway the only time I've actually ridden a Segway was in Oregon, where you are.
Speaker 1:Where did you go? Did you ride to Segway, or somebody just had it? Someone had it it was in Ashland. Ashland, oregon, oregon, yeah which makes sense.
Speaker 2:I feel like it's kind of a segue vibe there, right a little shakespeare, shakespeare and sideways, yeah, exactly it was down like a dirt road. I'm like I felt it's funny writing it. For some reason, it like did not feel cool, you know, yeah, by any means.
Speaker 1:And just like writing, and I was like I'm not going to post this on instagram there was, I remember like there was a, a group of people that were trying to convince the world. This is just how we're going to chance community transport from one place to another. From now on it's segues and that's the cars are dead and just didn't quite, didn't quite go that direction for them.
Speaker 2:But those people now control ai probably yeah, now there's ai for sure. Um so what I was going to talk about and breaks and stuff, and you, before that we hit record, you brought this up which youth sports do your boys play sports?
Speaker 1:yeah, so they play, um. They've played a lot of different sports. We kind of my ex-wife and I I we've kind of always had the approach whatever they want to do, we'll support it and that's the thing. We'll let them choose. We want them to stay active. We're not going to have them at home all the time. We want them to be participating in different things. But if it's music, if it's whatever, we're going to let them pick. And so currently, soccer and basketball have been two of the consistence that they have enjoyed the most. And then my youngest has really enjoyed football. So he's playing his second season that will get started here in a few weeks. So they stay busy for sure. We have a big tournament in Salem called Hoopla, which is a three-on-three tournament. I think it's like the second biggest in the nation. It's a pretty big deal. People travel from out of town to visit Salem for it and they're competing. They both have teams that they're competing with this weekend as well. So I'm looking forward to that and you coach?
Speaker 2:Yes, I coach the basketball team.
Speaker 1:My oldest son's basketball team. He'll be a sixth grader this year. That's been a been a lot of fun. I played basketball in college, so, um, I have a lot of fun coaching him there and then I coach. I'll coach my youngest son's football team, but that's more of me in a support role. I'm like I'm watching youtube learning how to play football because I never really played as a kid at all and, um, so I just I kind of show up and just support how I can when I'm, when I'm helping there, but I definitely feel like I've always me and their mom we've both been the people that will raise our hand on that fifth email when they're like, hey, we still need a coach, we'll finally just be all right, we'll do it regardless of the sport, but at this point I've kind of like basketball and then I'll help my youngest with football as long as he wants me to.
Speaker 2:And so does it seem like your kids at, and so does it seem like your kids at least one of them always has a sport going.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean pretty much. I mean we take summers off so we don't have a summer sport. They don't play baseball, which is fortunate, because baseball I think the season just never ends. If your team keeps winning, essentially you just play forever. So they don't play baseball, so their season ends. Whatever spring sport they do usually ends at the beginning of June and that kind of gives them a few months of not having a sport that they're having to show up for every week, which makes it easier for us if we want to go on a trip or something, we don't have to plan it around sports, which is nice.
Speaker 2:Just make it fun. How much does it cost typically for like a year, or I guess it probably depends on the sport right?
Speaker 1:it depends, and even the area where you're in, like the number, is going to be entirely different from my understanding. Volleyball is like the most expensive sport, like it's like thousands of dollars to compete. It's just, you know there's, there's people that are I don't know. I don't know why volleyball is so expensive compared to other sports, but it's like thousands of dollars if you want your kid to play competitive volleyball.
Speaker 2:Seems like the least amount of equipment.
Speaker 1:It seems like it. It's a net, it's a gym, it's similar to other indoor sports, it seems like. But I don't know. I'm sure we bring somebody from a volleyball league and they would explain why it's expensive and it still wouldn't make sense to us probably. But it's a business. You know, u sports is a business. It's a huge industry. So people are certainly, you know, making money. There's a lot of good work happening, you know. I think like competition is good for kids and like there's a lot of values we can teach. But there definitely is a. There's people out here that are making money with u sports. For sure. I don't know we, I don't know lots of people, the owners like it's not like the refs, right?
Speaker 1:I see like tiktoks in my feed oh yeah, like how much do you make as a ref?
Speaker 1:and yeah yeah, refs aren't making a ton there. I mean, it's good side money, like you know. I think everybody the like the sport, you stay active and you make some money on the weekends, but I think it's the people that are putting the organizations together. You know, I'm sure some coaches are doing well for themselves and it's just different. Right, it's different. Every league is different. Every organization is different.
Speaker 1:Some are in it for the right reasons, you know. Some are, you know, kind of lining their pockets a little bit, I'm sure. So it's just, it's all over the place. You know, as far as like how much things are going to cost and the quality of the product that you're you're going to get.
Speaker 1:But we're part of a basketball organization in Salem called the pack that I feel is doing a really good job of like making it accessible for kids to want to be part of and I think a lot of like youth sports. Right now it's so focused on like the elite team, so it's like 10 kids in the area that like the best in their, their city, that like get all of the attention. Um, but I just I don't know my struggle with that approach because sometimes, like a fifth grade team, like a sixth grade team, like maybe, maybe it can just be fun, like maybe kids can just run around and have fun and like that's okay, they don't have to like be the best in the world at this thing as a as a fifth grader. So I think there's just lots of different perspectives on, you know, the value of eSports and what's it, what it's about. Um, so who?
Speaker 2:do you see caring more, the kids or the parents?
Speaker 1:oh, the parents for sure, like definitely the parents, I think, especially at that age. And there are the enigmas right. There are those kids who are like fifth grade and are just like I love this, I want to go work out after school every day, and I think that's awesome, you know, like if that's what your kid's all about. But I think you also have the parents who kind of make it a social club for your kid to be part of this certain elite team. Like it's part of your identity as well, and I part of your identity as well, and I think that's a dangerous place to be. If you're, you're looking at youth sports at that capacity, um, I also think there's a lot of danger in like having your kid as always part of the best team where you're just playing against people that are not on the same levels, you're winning every game by a lot of points and like I'm not sure if you're you're really learning a lot of lessons through that experience, um, but I think that, like, if you think of like character development, um leadership, like being a good team member, like there's so many incredible lessons you can learn through youth sports, um, in addition to just staying active. You know what I mean just keeping your body moving and like like staying active, doing something that you're you're enjoying.
Speaker 1:But there is a risk also where it's like some people just take it too serious and kids get burnt out and, you know, don't even want to play high school sports because they've been doing this thing year-round for four years.
Speaker 1:By the time they hit high school they're just done with it and you see some of that as well.
Speaker 1:So I think it's a balancing act and my personal perspective is listen to your kids, support them and what they're passionate in and, you know, figure out how you can support to the the best degree possible. But also keep it in perspective. Like this is kids playing a game and like it's not the end of the world if they lose. It's not the end of the world, they're not the best on the team. And even like somebody who's been, who played basketball, you know, at a high level outside of high school, I mean I played community college, so there's definitely are are like levels to it, but the people that were really successful in college and sports weren't didn't always translate to like a really successful life, right. I think it's important to keep that in mind as well that your kid being elite in this sport isn't necessarily going to set them up for a success in life, um, but there are lessons you can teach them through sports that will, and I feel like that's really where we should be focusing our attention.
Speaker 2:Amen to that. Yeah, the trying part of different activities seems really exciting. You know, it's crazy how much you have to balance as a parent, as a dad, when you think about kids, because it's one thing to start a sport and then it's one thing to stop a sport, especially if the parent doesn't really want you to stop. You know how do you balance?
Speaker 1:that.
Speaker 2:They're like actually I want you to play this sport, you know, or just trying new stuff? I know for myself I played a lot of soccer and basketball. Growing up, you know, football didn't seem like an option, for whatever reason. I had a cousin that played a lot, but it just never seemed like an option. I don't know if that was like my parents or they just kind of shielded me from that, I don't know who made that decision.
Speaker 2:But there's a lot of basketball, you know, and I remember like wanting when I think I wanted to stop. It's just like this whole discussion of like, are you sure you want to stop? And you know um led me down a path of rock and roll, which I'm still coming out of, just kidding. But yeah, music, you know, then trying all these different activities, but there's something about the group environment that it's so hard to recreate, especially, I mean, you can get it in some music situations if you do like band. I was never in band but like or theater, these other activities. But there's definitely something about sports where there's a singular focus, a goal, a scoring system.
Speaker 1:I completely agree.
Speaker 1:So my oldest son is transitioning into middle school next year and I'm just glad that's a challenging time in life, right To go from grade school to middle.
Speaker 1:He like that's a that's a challenging time in life, right to go from grade school to middle school, like that's a big leap.
Speaker 1:But because of the sports he has a really good group of friends that he's he hangs, he's been hanging out with a ton this summer and so I'm glad he's gonna have like that group to go through this experience with. Because, like, he probably doesn't have that close-knit group of friends without without sports, you know, without that consistent like thing that they have in common, the shared experience they have in competing together and like showing up at camps together and at practice and like just going and playing at the park together. Like because of that they've formed this bond that I think will allow a lot of the transition kids go through to be easier than maybe it is for somebody that doesn't have that connection with the group. So, like through sports, like that's a great value of it, that's one of the great values of it is like are those relationships that can form and teaching people to work together yeah, maybe we should start our own league and just start raking in the dough let's do it.
Speaker 1:Let's start a youth pickleball. I feel like just would crush it and we will just scream at the kids that aren't good. We will make them feel terrible. That's going to be our goal. You get fine, if they actually going to get fine, if you don't win if they ask me.
Speaker 2:I don't even know how to play pickleball too, but I feel like I could coach it. I'll just take the jacob approach and just youtube it before we get there exactly all right what are the rules of pickleball?
Speaker 1:yeah, I think this is a good call out to parents like, don't be afraid to raise your hand and sign up for practices because, like, if you care at all, you'll do better than most coaches.
Speaker 1:If you just take the time before practice to just youtube third grade practice drills for whatever sport like, you'll find some good ideas.
Speaker 1:And like every organization in america if you think of, like ymca's boys and girls club, these like underfunded organizations that are trying to provide opportunities for lots of kids they all need coaches, they all need people to show up and be willing to donate. You know, a couple of hours a week and if you have the bandwidth for it, like, just try to be there, even if it's just like asking the coach how you can support like. That sort of stuff means a lot because it's um, it's not always the easiest thing, right? So I think a lot of people are intimidated to to sign up and get involved, but sometimes it is as easy as just like let me watch a few youtube videos, do my best. And if your kids like second, third grade, you don't need to be an expert in that sport. They just need somebody there to keep them and make sure they have something to do for those couple of hours while they're practicing, or whatever.
Speaker 2:And you said they're underfunded. I think this is a separate, a whole different podcast show idea. But we need to get to the bottom of who is raking in the dough for these youth sports, because someone's making all the money. I just want to know who it is so that I could position myself nicely.
Speaker 1:I did a couple of interesting documentaries on just AAU basketball and I'm sure there are some good ones on volleyball as well. I had a friend who told me that he signed his daughter up for this year-long volleyball program and it was like $5,000 to sign up. She broke her ankle two weeks into it. He's like I didn't get any of my money back and like pretty much her like the majority of her season was just out of the window. Um, but it's expensive. Some of these like like elite teams and leagues, like it is not cheap at all. Plus the travel if you're thinking of like they're traveling for tournaments. Uh, sometimes you're really young, before middle school even like you're flying to different cities for tournaments. Like that is not, that's not cheap either. Right, there's all these other expenses in addition to what it costs just to be part of the team. So it's it's an expense for sure.
Speaker 2:I didn't tell you this before, but I did give you some like golf advice on one of your Instagram reels and it was totally like the wrong advice and I was like I don't know what I'm talking about, but I did. My dad is a big golfer and he paid for many times private lessons for me and I would do like golf tournaments, all sorts of stuff. It was like he was trying as hard as he could to get me into golf and I didn't really care because I didn't feel any like connection to golf. To me it was like an older man. Yeah, sport didn't even feel like a sport. I'm like this is very. I'm getting sweaty because I'm standing under the sun, not because I'm running around like I would with soccer or basketball, yeah, for sure and uh got like great private instruction from it.
Speaker 2:But just funny, I'm like I'll probably pick that up in the future and I still remember so much of the lessons because I had no choice. It was like you're going to be here, I bought you this thing and you know to be a kid to get instruction like that. Grateful for it, but also hard to be grateful when you don't want the thing you know, yeah, you hate it the whole time yeah, it's like uphill battle yeah, golf is a challenging one for sure.
Speaker 1:I've been golfing with my kids a few times and it's like they'll play like one hole and drive the golf carts around. So we don't really go to the nicest course, we go to the one that we know that nobody's going to mind if a kid's driving a golf cart, golf cart around, and yeah, it's just making it, making it fun for sure. Because it's, yeah, it's hard, it's hard for sure. How old were you when you started with the uh golf lessons? You remember?
Speaker 2:it started around 11 or 12 and went to 15, I think.
Speaker 1:Okay, once I started I could drive so you're probably pretty decent then, even taking lessons for that long, or no?
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh yeah, you know it was yeah, and I would play after that too, and my dad was the president of the men's club. We lived in a golf community.
Speaker 1:Interesting, okay, so it was like a whole thing yeah.
Speaker 2:And my dad would golf four or five times a week. Awesome, and just just. We had a golf cart and yeah it was. It was a whole golfing thing, but I would just lose focus. Like four, five, six holes in, but we got to do. How many more holes? Like 13 more holes yeah, let's just do the front nine or the back nine is actually more exciting because it has like a little hill, little cliff we could look off of way more exciting exciting.
Speaker 2:First front nine. We're like all right. But you know, and now I look at it like, oh my God, I get it Peaceful, green grass, chill, no traffic, no commotion. It seems like actually a great way to spend the day.
Speaker 1:For sure, it's great for sure. But yeah, I can't imagine trying to take my kids playing 18. But they're not. They're not golfers at all, they don't. I don't know. I've I took, I got them a couple lessons actually and it they weren't interested in it. So I was like, all right, we won't, we won't worry about that right now, but who knows in the future what will happen next time there we go. You got all the sound effects on on tap on tap.
Speaker 2:Let's talk about lonely dads yeah it's kind of the opposite of making friends when you play sports. I guess there's sports for adults too, totally it was like adult league yeah, things which I actually don't know that many people that participate in, um, but we kind of touched on it I think it was last episode talking about just the struggle of the lonely dad. Do you mind kicking off this topic?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I've actually this week. So it was my week off from the kids and I just found myself in a place where I'm like I need to hang out with somebody because I'm just like working all the time and like I just need that space to like connect and bond and like just have buddies. You know, like it's work sometimes to like keep people, like schedule things, like get people together, especially now that I'm not drinking, because it's really easy to be like, hey, come over, let's have a drink. Like a lot of hands go up for that, and I'm sure I could still like get together with somebody and just go out to dinner and it would be just as easy. But just I'm not as like interested in the moment of like creating space for that. But then, like what was that sound effect? What are we doing? I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know, never heard that one before. So what are you doing? I don't know, I don't know, never heard that one before, so what are you doing is that the interrupting button, like all right, cut you off. Right, it's my turn to talk so what are you doing when you're not reaching out? Like, do you find yourself slipping into, like you mentioned, video games once, that, um, but do you play like a lot of video games, like just working?
Speaker 1:I play chess. I've been playing a lot of chess on my phone, honestly, so I'll just pull it up, play a game. If I lose I'll play another one, because I'm like I can't just keep losing. And then if I'm distracted or somebody calls or texts, then I just blunder a rook or something and can't recover from it. But that's been something that's kind of caught my attention recently. It kind of go in waves on these like little hobbies that I'll pick up, but that's, that's been a thing for sure lately.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it seems to me like making friends as a dad. It I don't know all I can think of is it kind of reminds me of dating in a lot of ways, which is weird to say for some reason because, when you're like dating, am I gonna meet somebody?
Speaker 2:I'm always like doing my thing, yeah, and then same with friends, then making friends. When you're a dad, you're like you get older, yeah, like where am I gonna meet anybody? And and there's all these opportunities, you know, and you get outside your shell. But then even you start meeting people and you're like I don't know if they align with, like, my values. I, I don't know, how do I hang out with them, how do I just hang out?
Speaker 1:Yeah, like, what are we going to do when we hang out, especially if it's not like grabbing a you know a drink somewhere or something like that. Like that's, that's pretty easy thing. But I mean, there's lots of options. Like I play I do play in a men's league on in that and like I don't know I think what, and what I like doing is like getting groups of people together. It's like, hey, let's do this.
Speaker 1:So I've been thinking a lot more about like an afternoon or evening workout group, because I'm not getting up at 5 am to do crossfit, like I get invited to that fairly regularly and I'm like that's not going to be part of my life. Like getting up at 4 30 and getting to the gym at 5 to to do your amaranth program for the day. But yeah, I think an evening afternoon thing, like something like that would be something to be more of my in my lane and it's just a matter of making it happen, you know, reaching out to a few people and getting them together I think usually go for it what you've been doing I've been doing jujitsu on and off for 12 years now and I found that's a good way to to meet other dads.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Because often, like dads will take their kids there to the class beforehand. It seems like either the wife will pick up the kids or the kids will just wait there while the dad does a class right after. Yeah, and I've noticed that's that's a nice place, but it's funny Cause, like I don't know if it's, if it's a nice place, but it's funny because, like I don't know if it's a dad thing, but like we kind of need an activity to do. You know, it was like when I was younger, like high school age, didn't really need an activity. We'd find an activity together. And then you start getting older, you start getting your preferences in and you're like I want to do my activities, that are my preferences and I want someone else to do them with.
Speaker 2:I guess yes, exactly I don't know that I need to explore new activities with another man.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying, like absolutely, I have this thing I want to do. Who wants? Who also wants to do this thing with me? It's more like that and like trying to find somebody and we'll figure out what to do together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally, yeah and it kind of felt like that way when I was single too, uh, before I met my wife, like felt like I was just gonna do what I was gonna do and we're either gonna line up where we weren't. And then we lined up and it was like, oh, and we could start discovering these together. But it doesn't feel like that way with you, know, know, I guess I'm kind of figuring out the differences of, like an adult male dad, friendship. It's like, oh, you like doing this. We don't have to like everything the same, but if we liked golf, all right, we got the golfing buddy. If we like jujitsu, we got the jujitsu buddy. If we got the ball and buddy, we got the ball and buddy. And if it fits in a couple of those, great. But if it doesn't, and then maybe there's just some other shared common interests that yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I feel like when, um, because I'll have like my kids have friends over all the time and I always invite the parents to hang out as well and I feel like the kids are so good, they get a group and they just like figure out, okay, we're gonna do this, and they just like go do something and it's awesome. And then the dads are like, all right, let's just be tired and together, you know like we're just all this exhausted from this life and everything and we just end up chatting about whatever. But there definitely seems like this, this moment of just like we're just all this exhausted from this life and everything and we just end up chatting about whatever. But there definitely seems like this, this moment of just like we're just going to chill and just, you know, be tired and just talk about whatever comes up, but we're usually talking about the kids or we're talking about work. You know, it's not generally like a book we're reading or something like that, for whatever reason.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and that's that's kind of interesting to me how, as you get older, like, your identity starts to become more of your career, starts to become more of being a dad. And then you know there might be some hobbies in there, but it's kind of hard if you're talking with another dad that their identity is really based around their career. Or you know, know being a dad for the for the good and the bad of that you know absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it is sometimes like I think I care about my work more because my business, like a lot of people, it's like I left, I don't. I'm not like I'm nine to five, I'm clocked out like I'm not thinking about that at all. But I think sometimes for me it does just kind of consume me or it's like a new project that I'm working on. I get really excited about that, so I want to talk about it. Um, it's hard not to. I don't know.
Speaker 2:I feel like there's this guilty expectation too of, oh you know, we shouldn't be all wrapped up in our work and stuff. It's like how many hours are we spending a week on this thing? Like we put so much energy and focus into it and it's not absolutely everything. But there is like even if you had a hobby, you were really passionate about building model airplanes or something, you'd be super wrapped up in that and be excited to talk about that with anybody who would listen.
Speaker 1:You know for sure but the hard part is that we go down those rabbit holes so deep and like we just sound like crazy people. We're talking to somebody that's not interested in it, so I have this like this instagram page.
Speaker 1:What's happening, salem, that's like a local news resource, I guess, and I was talking to um a couple of buddies about how, like, local news is broken, like the impacts of people not reading newspapers any longer, and how, like all these legacy uh media outlets are just dying slowly and I just see, like the glaze overlook on their face. Like you lost me, like at first base. I don't know, I don't know you're. You're rounding third right now, but you lost me at first base. I'm not sure what's what's going on, and so you're like all right, let's talk about something else, because you clearly aren't as as interested or excited in this as I am I can relate.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'll find myself going down sit with my wife, I'll be talking to my wife and then this and I've gotten better at it, but for a while it's just like you don't understand the implications of ai on this thing, and you know I feel like exactly that thing of the person trying to connect all the dots and like you see this over here that I mean this is totally going to revolutionize this thing. Yeah, it's like I'm happy for you or I'm upset or I'm scared or I don't know what are we?
Speaker 1:like, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm glad that you're happy and excited. Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly, all right. Next topic being a single dad and dating. Again, we talked about it a little bit on the last one, but I kind of wanted to talk about it more mainly. But I feel like first off I just want to ask you how is it going with with jacob's dating life?
Speaker 1:yeah, dating's a lot for sure, I think, especially as a single dad, and everybody like people take just like different like have their perspectives on it. I know some people that are like they'll be with somebody for a couple months, like they're moving the kids in, and to me I look at that and I'm like that seems so irresponsible that you're like with somebody for such a short amount of time, you're introducing kids, like now, kids are involved. So if you break up, it's like you're not just breaking up with the person, you're breaking up with their kids. And now those kids are asking questions about like what's going on?
Speaker 2:does this person not care about me anymore? And um, what about when those kids start calling the, the, the, like you, dad or something, and it's been not that long?
Speaker 1:yeah, that's crazy when that's that exactly. It's like that just doesn't seem like it's uh, it doesn't seem like the best way to approach it and I don't know what the best way is. So I'm not like judging anybody. And lots of people make the blended families work. And sometimes you just meet somebody and it's just the thing. So like people are full speed ahead and, um, I know a couple of times I've like gone on dates with somebody and then like two months later they're like engaged or married to somebody else and I'm just like part of is like that's incredible that you found somebody you're that passionate about. Like I would love to have that connection with somebody where I'm just so certain this is the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. But also like that seems like such a short amount of time to like know somebody and to take that leap. But people make it work. You know, like people sometimes just have that feeling. You know that it's the right connection.
Speaker 1:But when I started thinking about like blending families together, like it terrifies me. It really does. It just seems like it's a lot of work. For sure for one it's not simple, it's not going to be right, but just like the potential dangers of like how is that going to impact my relationship with my kids? Bringing somebody new into the house? Um, navigating, like the intricacies of like I know these aren't your siblings, like these aren't your brother and sister, you didn't choose them but, like, we all got to come together and, you know, be a family when we are together. There's just so many different things to think about and approaches you can take to do it responsibly. Um, the people that have done it well and graciously, like us, have so much respect and admiration for them making it work because it's not easy, you know doing making that happen.
Speaker 1:Um, but it is just another later of dating where it's like this person's fun. I like them, but is this going to work out like in a family environment? Like is the kind of person that I want to like introduce to my kids and for them to like have that type of relationship with? Um. But then also location right, like I'm, I've been hanging out with somebody right now that lives in a different city. I like her a lot. Like really, we have a ton of fun together.
Speaker 1:Um, does she have kids? She has three kids. It's like there's they're that the aspect. They're younger than mine, but like I'm not gonna move to her city, she's not gonna move to mine. We've kind of had that conversation. So it kind of puts a limit on like what can happen in the relationship. So there's just all these different variables that go into dating as a single dad and it's also time consuming. You know meeting people deciding like you know this person going to be worth investing time in. Are they going to feel that I'm worth investing time in? Because we have so many things we're balancing between being a parent, you know, showing up to sports, growing businesses, that like dating sometimes feels like it's the last thing on the totem pole. But I do also want that person you know to like have a have as my life partner. So like it is something that I am like actively, like finding ways to invest time in. But it's just so many different variables to think about as you're going through the process that it kind of feels overwhelming sometimes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's something that's not talked about.
Speaker 2:Probably enough is the amount of energy required going into it, because people you know kind of say, I would say, on social media and it's kind of simplified, everything on social media probably is extreme versions, right, but when you're already in a relationship it takes not as much energy versus like the discovery.
Speaker 2:But when you're already in a relationship it takes not as much energy versus like the discovery phase where you're really like learning about the other person and adapting, because once you're married to somebody not that you don't stop dating them. You know I love that advice but it definitely takes less mental energy because you already know preferences, you know you know what each other wants to do on the weekends of a general idea. You know you're not starting from absolute scratch and like, okay, wait, how do we schedule this in type of thing? Where will you do this? You still have to do a lot of that stuff, but it definitely requires less. And I wonder, you know, especially for, like, single dads that are dating or or, you know, attempting to date, uh, a woman with no kids, like that seems wild to me, but then also kind of seems wild to me like a woman with kids like a different set of needs than, yeah, a woman with no kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, because I have noticed is that like people, like the girls I've dated that have kids. There's kind of this mutual understanding that, like I know your kids are going to be the priority. I get it and I, you know my kids are going to be the priority. And sometimes I feel like people that don't have kids don't quite under understand like how much of a role that's going to be Like for me when I'm with my kids.
Speaker 1:I'm with my kids Like I'm not, like maybe a text, maybe a phone call, but I'm probably not dating, you know at all, like I'm not going to be taking you out on those moments, like I'm going to be with them. They're going to be the priority to me. And some people understand that, but some people don't. You know, I think it depends on the relationship and for me, I've just learned to like to set that boundary early and letting people know like just so you know, like this is, this is just you know how things are going to be right now, and if they're not okay with that, like that's fine, you know, like that's, that's their choice, but for me it's just, it's just a boundary I have currently.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so in my relationship, like I put my wife above my daughter. You know, like I, she's my wife is the priority and I wonder how that works like dating wise, because you put the kids as the priority. It's gonna be hard for sure, with a stranger that has their own set of priorities. A stranger, but eventually not becoming a stranger that phase. No wonder why it's so hard.
Speaker 1:I've actually thought about this Is it possible right now, is it possible, to find a life partner when my kids are going to be the priority, or is it something that maybe shouldn't be? It's not a realistic goal for me right now, as my kids are this age, like when they get into high school, and like they kind of have their own lives and maybe it's it's a little easier to like have that expectation where, like I can really commit myself to somebody at that degree.
Speaker 2:but like right now, like maybe it's just not the not the right time for me to be thinking that way, even though, like I think it would be nice you know what I mean to like have that person, but but then you think too- just devil's advocate again, because, like I don't, you know, um, you think again, like the parents who, oh, we'll stay together for the kids until the kid is 18 or whatever, or goes off to college, or you know, there's always like the thinking about that time, you know, of where it could be. And I'll speak for myself. You know, my parents divorced, uh, when I was young, super young, a little bit after my brother passed away, when it was probably four, I think. When, when they got divorced, I think, and my mom before she passed, I remember she was dating somebody and I remember like not being cool with him whatsoever. You know, I'm sure at that age too, it was like competition. You know, I'm like this guy's trying to swoop in.
Speaker 2:My mom makes the best cookies. She made him cookies. I didn't even get cookies. Screw this guy. You know I'm like this guy's trying to swoop in. My mom makes the best cookies. She made him cookies. I didn't even get cookies. Screw this guy. You know what I mean. And then as I matured, I realized like what I really want, even though at that time I couldn't handle that what I really want really is for my mom to be happy, and if she finds someone that she's happy with, then I'm happy for her, because I'm happiest when she's happy kind of thing, and she feels like she's, you know, living her best life, kind of thing. And I wonder how much as like a single dad and a single mom, like much of it comes down to just like this, would make me happiest and it's and it's for like good intentions.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean versus yeah uh, we're doing this because we feel like we have to, or we're not doing it because we're afraid of this.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean yeah, are you referring to the divorce or with dating?
Speaker 2:uh, with dating, just like with, like, the parent making the decision to date or not date. Yeah, like, based on just like who's this, what's, what's the best to do right now. You know what I mean yeah, I do.
Speaker 1:I do like something I'm taking away from your question and statement is just like the, the transparent conversation with kids and being open and talking about like I'm hanging out with people. Like you know, we're just kind of meeting each other and talking, um, you remember my? I told one of my kids I was going on a date and he's like you're not getting married, right. I was like no, no, like that's way down the line, like this is just me meeting somebody and like we're just gonna hang out for a little bit. And he's like, oh, okay, but you have to like kind of give the kids context so they don't't know all these things about dating when they're in third grade. So just kind of learning to be more active, proactive and having some of these conversations is what I've been learning has helped, you know what.
Speaker 2:Something else I've noticed too, which what you say makes me think of, is when I first started dating my wife just my girlfriend and it was just beginning phases and I was like I hadn't dated in a while and I remember I'd relay to my dad not much positive stuff, it was just the stuff that I was struggling with. After a while, he's like what are you doing with her?
Speaker 2:Because all he could associate with her was all of the complaints, I guess, or the problems, problems and I was never saying anything good and even though it was going great, I was like, oh, I haven't said anything good, like all I've said is all he, all his frame of reference, yeah, all my problems. And I wonder how much you know kids. It like we think they can just absorb our happiness or our feelings about the situation. But I wonder how much of it is just like in conversation, or like bringing them in, not in. In bringing them in just like positive Cause, like especially, I feel like when my dad was dating, I never really knew why he was dating these women.
Speaker 1:You know, I didn't know what it was.
Speaker 2:So it just seemed strictly physical attraction, but I didn't know. So whenever I'd meet them I'd like it was just like they were just like a body to me, cause I'm like I don't know anything about you emotionally or like I have no connection. I don't know who you are really, I don't even remember your name, kind of thing, and that is just like a stranger. So to think, oh, you might get serious with this girl, like what? No, that doesn't make any sense. But if I like knew why my dad was even talking to them, what he liked about them, you know not to be like totally mushy overall, it's like a little would go a long ways, I think you know totally, yeah, no for sure.
Speaker 1:Um, that's a really interesting idea. Just like talking about the like I'm with this person, like you see me around them, especially when they start being around the kids, right, and because right now, like they don't, my kids don't really see anybody that I'm dating and until I'll introduce like I'm not going to introduce girls to my kids until like we've been together and like we're pretty serious. There's been one girl who I dated right out of marriage that we were pretty serious and like she'd be around the kids and things, and that was a really hard time because like the divorce was so fresh and I definitely would handle it all, like the conversation with the kids, differently if I could do it again. I learned from the experience ended up not working out. So you know, I'm dating again now and things.
Speaker 1:But just like how to have some of those conversations and talk to the kids about why and is a yeah, I mean communication is just so big in those, in those moments? Right, because kids will create their own stories and their own narratives, that based on their own frame of reference. Right, if we aren't intentional having those conversations?
Speaker 2:yeah, and their frame of reference is so small.
Speaker 2:I wonder, like you know how we like talk about friends uh, I'm sure you do too.
Speaker 2:Like you'll tell story of like oh friend, maybe to your, your boys, I like I wonder how much you know, like because I never heard and I say this just because I think of my own past Like I never heard my mom say like oh, you know a story. Just like, tell me stories about the guy in in, not in a forced way or like a sit down. I need to tell you a story. But just you know, we're always sharing stories about our friends, about how it relates to something we're driving by or whatever the situation is, and my dad too, you know it's like I wonder if you just like included stories about someone you were dating, you know or like potentially interested in, yeah, but then again, like I don't even know how those stories are created at this age either, because it's way different when you're younger and you're just like, have this free time to just explore, for sure, for sure it's way different when you're younger and you're just like have this free time to just explore, for sure, for sure.
Speaker 1:I think like sometimes those stories like still hurt to hear because the kids are still like what about mom, you know, and I don't? Yeah, so it's a, it's tough for sure, but I think the more you talk about, the more normalized it can become. And it's not this like thing that's hidden behind the curtain, where it's, you know, feels like it's has to be a secret, but it's just, you know, part of part of life and part of being an adult, as a, as a single person. But it's all complicated, you know, like it is, like none of it's, none of it is easy at all and the apps are kind of a mess.
Speaker 1:You know I've met some great people and, like you know, I've had some some really good times, but also they just like train you to like think a few more swipes and I'll meet somebody better. Like a few more swipes and like there'll be somebody even more perfect for me. So I think it just trains people that keep coming back, so kind of taking a break from those for a while, and hopefully that break lasts forever. But we'll see. They're complicated for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, please, but we'll see they're, they're, uh, they're complicated for sure. Yeah, please. We got to talk more about the apps in the future, because I don't know about it, but it's always, it's always. It's like. It's like hearing about gambling but never having gone to a casino.
Speaker 1:You know you're like what?
Speaker 2:what's going on here? How are these games working? What?
Speaker 1:are you winning? How much can you win in? One day yeah, I remember like being married to my friends, just being on you know different apps and just kind of looking over the shoulder and like this seems like chaos, um, but you know, some people meet their soulmate that way.
Speaker 2:So who knows? Yeah, all right, I think. Uh, that wraps up this episode. Any final thoughts?
Speaker 1:nah, man, I'm excited for the community Been growing. We've had a couple of workshops. We're doing a lot of member-led workshops right now, so people that are part of the community are able to lead workshops and talk about the things, the areas where they have expertise. I'm really excited to continue to build this and just allow people to form meaningful connections, because, as dads and business owners, we have a lot of the same struggles and stresses and it's just awesome having a community there who understands you, know what we're going through and can be there to support and recognize and all the things in between.
Speaker 2:Yeah and I made my uh introduction post this week. Let's go appreciate that man.
Speaker 1:Awesome having you in there doing the podcast. The community just dads unite, you know dude.
Speaker 2:All right, all dads, we got to put our hands in the middle. Like they do youth sports, do it, do they do that at the adult league?
Speaker 1:all the debt, all you guys put your hands in the middle no, we just kind of grab our keys and walk out the door hurting hurting, just exhausted and just like embarrassed. That of how out of shape we are is pretty much how it works the ibuprofen bottles rattling is for sure, yeah, exactly.
