Growing Through Grief as a Dad

In this episode, we're talking about:

• Dealing with the loss of a parent at a young age and its impact on fatherhood.
• Navigating emotional challenges as a kid and how it shapes us as adults.
• Cultural differences in dealing with death and loss.
• The complexities of blended families and dating as a single dad.
• And much more!

Learn more about Dylan Schmidt by clicking here.

Learn more about Jacob Espinoza by clicking here.

Click here to learn more about Dylan Schmidt

Click here to learn more about Jacob Espinoza

Transcript

0:14

Come on, we made it to episode 2. We'd be like 75% of podcasts already just by getting to the second episode. Let's go. Yeah. I'm gonna make a TikTok about it. How are you doing today, Jacob? I'm good, man. It's Monday morning. Had a hung out with my dad yesterday. Went on this little walk, done this little nature area. There's supposed to be a lot of wildlife you're supposed to be able to see. We saw like 1 bird, so we didn't succeed in that capacity, but it was, it was definitely a good bonding time. Nice. Nice. How old is your dad? You know, he's somewhere, he's like 63, if I had to guess. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I find it interesting. I guess my dad's, like, older. He was born in 51. So he's, like, 70 3, 74, 70 something. He's probably 66, maybe 66, 67. I have no I shouldn't know how old my dad is. I don't. It's hard. Right? Like, but you know how old your kids are. Do you think he knows how old you are? On most days. I think most days he does. Yeah. That's a good pop question for, like, our dads is like I'm gonna ask my dad actually. How old am I? Just kidding. Yeah. All right. So I also got my kids' birthdays tattooed on my wrist, just so I didn't forget their birthdays just for those moments where you have dad lapses and I decided not to, but that still could change. We'll see how it goes. Yeah. You'll always pass that test if they ask you, oh, how old am I? And then you're like, start doing math. You're like, all right, it's, it's still 2017. Wait. No. Yeah. What year even is it for sure? Yeah. Yeah. That's that's awesome. I my dad lives in he just actually took off on a motorcycle trip around he every time around this year, he takes off on a motorcycle trip. So he, he's been sending me updates from the road. And this is the type of update I get from him. He, you know, but days aren't common in America. You know, and I had a friend from Egypt that like, introduced me to a bidet. And, so now, like, if he sees 1, he'll, like, send a picture. You'd love this. So he's, like, at a motel or hotel or something on the road. He's like, you would love this. Picture of a bidet. I'm like, how's the water pressure? I know he's not touching that thing. Yeah. That's hilarious. Like that's like, who's, what is Dylan like? Bidets. All right. Picture. That'd be a fun calendar to put together. You know, just like every month a different bidet from your dad's trips. That would be hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. And it's funny because it's something, like, so random. I don't think about until he says that. Well, I not speaking of bidets at all, but one thing, a couple things, actually. I feel like this is gonna be probably one of a heavier episode that we record, so I just wanna, like, preface that. As I was kind of, like, planning out the episode, I'm like, alright. How can we, like, put in a lighter topic? And I didn't purposely mention bidets, to make it a lighter topic, but I just wanted to clean things up before we go in here. There's no good way to transition from, bidets into anything else. I'll just say that right now. So one thing I wanted to mention is, obviously, some like, huge thing happened Saturday, the attempted assassination of Trump. Wild times we live in Yeah. One person that, lost his life, that was there, and I think it's fair to say, like, all politics aside, you know, it doesn't matter who, what, or how. It's a dad. And did you hear about this guy? I did. Yeah. I was reading about him. Corey Compreter. He's 50 years old. Family man who loved to fish. This is from the first paragraph of the New York Times. He's a family man who loved to fish. He worked at a plastics manufacturing company, volunteered as a firefighter, and went to church. Mister compoteur of Sarver, Pennsylvania had 2 daughters, Allison 27 and Kaylee 24, and, you know, it's so hard after, like, an event like this happens, you know, like, to kinda know what's true and what's not. And what I read is that he was like shielding his family or shielding loved ones. And then he got shot, which is like, seems like, as far as heroic acts go, maybe the most heroic act you could do. Definitely. But yeah, it felt like right to mention that on the podcast. Yeah. Definitely a, a traumatic experience for our country. It's been interesting to see how people react. And I'm thinking through, like, how do I talk to my kids about something like this? You know? So we're on a, we share custody, so I'll get them back tonight. And I'm kind of curious to hear like their interpretations of it. How are they feeling? How are they feeling anything about it? And then just like, what are they seeing online and, you know, how, how are they, how are they understanding this event? And then I think it's even an opportunity to talk about like the media and like, just being aware of like the information you get, like here's how different news sources covered it. I think it's something I do want to talk to my kids about and helping them just like understand, the importance of being thoughtful and knowing where you're, where you're getting your information. But yeah, I'm mostly, I'm I'm curious to ask them questions. I just understand how they're feeling about all of it and, you know, what are their friends saying and, and things like that. Because we haven't had something like this happen in America in a very long time, you know, which is a blessing. So it'll be interesting to see just like how things play out from here. But if I'm thinking of like, am I dad through the dad's lens of like, how do I talk to my kids about this? Yeah. What year were you born? 82. 82. And I Yep. Read that the last, assassination attempt was at 81. That's wild. That was, like, a 100 years ago, I think. This feels like it. You know? It does for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Including the 2020, like, the 20 years of 2020. I think it was a long time ago. That's true. That's a great point. Do you think like, when you had your kids, did did you ever think, like, man, I'm like or even with, you know, a girlfriend, ex wife, like, at any point where you're like, I might have to take a bullet for you. Yeah. No. I think there is I think all dads you think about in a situation, like, if something were to happen or you see you're you're at a place, like, something is kinda brewing and you don't know exactly where it's going, but you do kind of have those instincts of, like, I need to make sure I'm in a position to protect the people that are around me and prevent them from, from being in harm's way. I don't know. I think that we're, like, guys are just kinda wired that way to, like, be protectors. And, like, we just have those instincts as, you know, hardwired in us. Yeah. Yeah. I I thought about it with, like, when I it's funny. I didn't think about it much when I was just dating my wife when before we got married. And then after we got married, I felt like maybe like a stronger bond or something. Like, now I I have to take a bullet for you, which I thought about before I was like, I would, I would do that before, but it just felt like now it's not her bodyguard or something, but Kai I mean, in a lot of ways, I guess. Right? For sure. We wanna be providers and protectors. Like, we wanna, like, make sure they're taken care of and, like, feel secure and confident and safe. And I think that, like that's, that's part of it, right? Is like if something bad were to happen, how do we make sure they're, they're taken care of and protected? Yeah. And, and thinking like having a kid. And then I was like, wow, this is, you know, it almost seems cliche because I've heard I feel like a lot of other dads say, like, ah, I'd take a bullet for you, and things like that. Also knowing that, like, that almost never happens, really. Like, if you statistically, like, you really never happens, and how people react in the actual moment versus, like, what they say they'll do, you know? Yeah. And I think, like, it's it's pretty I wouldn't say, like, cool, but heroic and inspiring. That when something, like, does actually happen, then, like, this dad's first instinct is, like, protect and just actually, like, lay my life down. Like, that's I mean, I think I think a real, I'm gonna say a real dad, but, like, it's it's actions speak louder than words. You know? Yeah. Absolutely. And we're on a podcast, so I'll have his words. But All we have is we can't do the action right now. We can't do the actions. Yeah. But it's just it's really cool. It's really cool. On the topic of death, we talked about this in the first episode. We didn't know it about each other. You were 12 when you lost your mom. Correct. I was 11, which actually, coincidentally, Saturday, this this last Saturday, I I put in my calendar, It was the anniversary of my mom's, passing, and, I try to put significant moments like that in my calendar just so I don't life, you know, can get busy. And, yes, thing, you know, you're like, how long or what? What was the date again? Because my memories, you know, too much going on. Yeah. And, yeah, it was, Saturday. How do you think losing a parent at 12 impacted the way that you raise your kids? I think the like, overall losing a parent, it kinda gives you a different perspective on life. And I think there's like this immediate, sort of understanding for me at least, like how temporary everything is. And, I think that like it kind of instilled gratitude in my heart as I got older in life. I was just more appreciated and appreciative and grateful for things that would happen, for people in my life. And I think now, especially as I'm older, I realized like I don't have forever with my kids. Like we're not just, they're not going to be this age forever. I'm not going to be alive forever. Neither are they. It's like, I just like have this instinct to always want to make the most of those moments. I'm not perfect at it, of course, but I think it definitely has, for me, it just instilled how powerful it is to know that things are temporary. You know, like we're all on borrowed time. And like, we really have to make the most of every day, every moment. Like that's like, that's what we have are the days and the moments and these chances to create powerful memories that we don't get again, you know? And I kind of always assumed like growing up, I think I always assumed I would cause people like, I look like my mom, people say, or mine, them of her. And so I kind of assumed like, well, if she died young, like I probably am also going to, and I kind of had that perspective growing up. So definitely, I think led to me living for a good time, not a long time, like that sort of like party kid mentality. And, when I got to the age where I was almost the age where she passed away, I was like, maybe I won't die. And, I think that's when I really started thinking forward and started applying myself and trying to build a life I can be proud of and kind of getting away from that, loop of like immediate gratification and doing things because they were fun and exciting. So I went on a journey. I've never met anyone who has also experienced the same things I have. That's wild. Like, same thing. I felt a 100% the same thing. And every few years, I've, like, lost someone in my life. I think I shared my brother passed when I was little. So only child after his passing. And then losing my mom was the same thing. It felt like death was, like, way closer Yeah. Than it ever was for other people that I knew. Like, I'd have friends and even, you know, my wife was not up close with death where I felt like it's been so real. You know? Yeah. And I think, especially 11, 12, it's such a, important age, and, you know, we're just kind of, like, we're developing so much more from, you know, around that age than we are at, like, 35. You know? For sure. It's a little bit slower than and, yeah, I've thought about that a lot, especially having a daughter and then my mom passing, like, we named my daughter's middle name after my mom, which felt like so cool to be able to do. And it's like the the emotions behind it, you know, just bringing up all the like, oh, how nice it would have been how much she would have enjoyed being able to see her grandkid, you know, for athletes like grandkids, like, and then like the things that you don't get to share, that you wish you could share, but then you're like, well, they're always here in spirit. And you know, that's what kind of like, people say, but the reality is, it definitely just sucks at the end of the day, because you're like, Oh, sure. I can't share this in-depth, just as a whole really just sucks. Because it just, it's not what we you know, if you could map it out, you wouldn't be like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna not have my parent here that I want to share this experiences with. And, you know, you have a kid that, that they miss out on that too. And then you, like, feel for the kid. You're like, my kids don't get that experience. Like, for me, I lost, a grandparent. They must have must have been only, like, 1 or 2. And I never really, you know, I don't remember her. It was my mom's mom. And just thinking, like, you know, what what did I miss out on that? And just these little things, you know, and until you start getting older, I think, and then you start appreciating, then you start, like, realizing, wow, like, everything is so special that you don't get, and every day is so special. And then on the days where it's harder, you're like, so temporary, but this is also hard and balancing those 2 is not easy, you know? At all. At all. The, how did how did you process it? Did it take you a while? Do you feel like you have processed it at this point in your life? Yeah. Yeah, I would say like, I've processed it. But, I mean, I don't say process because I feel like I never will, like, will fully process it. But I think I mean, I've gone to a lot of therapy. And I've done a lot of, like, introspection and things like that. And then, you know, I'll think I have made, like, some tremendous progress. And then, like, just a couple of years ago, I, like, would learn some, like, new things and get in touch with, like, her best friend. She shared some things. I was like, wow. I feel like I'm I just went back 10 years, and now I'm like, can you start over? Yeah. Yeah. For sure. What about you? Yeah. I think I mean, I didn't even think about it till I was, like, in my thirties. You know, even trying to understand how this death impacted my life. I think I just kinda like kept moving forward. And I remember at school people were like, his mom died. I'm so sorry. And I just didn't even know how to like handle that sort of a response. Because it just like, that's just what my life was. You know what I mean? So, like, I couldn't imagine it being any different. It just there's something that happened. And I think I kind of just like went into this, like, emotional protective shell. Like, almost like a turtle would just kinda help me visualize it, you know, where like, I'm just not gonna feel things because like, I'm just gonna lose everybody that I get close with anyways. So, I think I kind of went to that place. I think guys go to that place anyways, but this, like that moment definitely was, Yeah, I think the, the moment that's most vivid for me is when she told me she was going today. Where I remember coming home from, I I was at a friend's house, lived across the street. My dad called. I was like, Hey, you need to come home. I knew there are the doctors. And, and so I came home and like she was inside crying and I was like, mommy's gonna die. And like, that's like a moment that's just like so vivid for me and my memory still. And I think that was like the hardest part because everything else was kind of expected and planned out, but that was a moment that was like a shock of this is what my life is going to be like. And so like the actual death, cause she had been sick and like was doing chemotherapy. It was almost a relief because she had just was not an easy time, you know? But like that, I remember that moment of learning she was going to die was, was extremely painful and shocking. And I think, I guess maybe I'm grateful that I knew that that was coming so I can like, be there for her and, you know, let her know I loved her. I think a lot of people don't even get that chance. You know, they just it's a surprise. Oh, yeah. How long was it from when she told you to win it when she passed? It was about a year. Really? Yeah. It's like that was What was that year like? Like, we moved to a different house, went to a different school. There's a lot of other changes that happened in that year. And her just like being in the hospital and chemotherapy and being sick. And she just wasn't herself, you know, that that year because she was just going through those experiences. And then she was just kind of in a bed for a while as well, unfortunately, just just really sick. But we had both together. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. They're still married. So yeah, definitely, Yeah. Hard times for sure. You know? And then I think as kids, you don't really think about how, like these type of life events impact how you handle situations and how they impact your development. And I was just getting into middle school. So like you had that and it did kind of come with this need for me to like, want to be accepted by people, which I had never had previously. I was kind of, I'm just gonna do things. I was pretty confident and, you know, wanting to help people out. And I think part of it just being at the age or getting into middle school and high school, but I think also the other element of kind of questioning my identity and, you know, wondering who I was and yeah, life in general, I think. Yeah. I, I felt it. I feel like I've still to this day in my thirties, I'm like, I'll randomly be doing the dishes and have a thought of like, oh, maybe that's why this happened. Or this is why I did that thing. You know, habits and just like kind of routines that I've gotten into, especially before that makes sense. Maybe not directly related to my mom's passing, but like, as an effect of that happening, because it's like, not just the parent, you know, you think of like, just the environment. If I was recording this podcast with you, and it was just me, it'd be a completely different environment, you know, so yeah, you take out one thing in an environment, and it totally changes the environment. And so, you know, it's tough. And, you know, thinking about, like, school, especially when I think of school because it's so important during that age, obviously. Like, I just could care less about so many things, because it felt like there was more important things happening. And, especially, I'm like, well, if I'm gonna die, like, shouldn't I I kinda like Yeah. Saying, like, this what emphasis should I be placing on math? Yeah. Just like 3 years ago. I mean, just recently, but, like, I'm thinking, like, then into high school, like, 3 years or 4 years before that, like, my mom passes, and I'm like, do I should I care about algebra? Like, yeah, you know, and my dad's busy working supporting the household. Like, I don't care about algebra. You know? I care about more about music because that makes me feel something that I'm, like, wanting to Yeah. Totally. I also remember being, like, after that happened, like, little things would happen that would just I would just start bawling and crying. Mhmm. But it was yeah. I don't think I even cried at my mom's funeral. You know? But, like, these little things would happen that, like, bring out bring out emotions, and I just, like, couldn't control. I remember being so embarrassed by it. Like, I'm like, dude. You know what I mean? And Yeah. The guy and then all my other guy friends, like, see me crying or crying at all, But then little things would happen. Like, we're having I remember 1, there's, like, a pizza party planned at school, and, like, something happened or didn't happen. I just, like, started crying. And I was, like, why is Jay crying? And, like, I don't know. Yeah. It's just it's just part of, like, you have all these emotions bottled up and you don't process, and they kind of come out in unexpected ways. Yeah. And and you can't even, like, stop it from coming out, you know, especially as a kid, you know, it'd just be, like, you you gotta, like you're, like, hoping you get home before you start crying or something. You know? For sure. As an adult, it's like, different, you know, because we kids don't have like the ways to deal with those emotions. You know, they're just like, you're kinda like, you don't even know what's happening to your body. Like, you're just like a different person sometimes every other day. Yeah. And, you know, in emotions, it's like, oh, today's gonna be a sad day. You know? Oh, actually, no. I'm crying right now. Like, this sucks. It's so inconvenient. You know? For sure. I think even the idea of emotional intelligence, I didn't learn about till, like, 5 years ago. You know? Mhmm. And then, like, when I started reading about it and understanding like, Oh, this is how emotions have an impact on not only my actions, but the people around me. But then like thinking through, okay, how do I have a healthier relationship with my emotions? How to help people around me, with theirs and have a positive impact on, on their emotions. Like that was pretty powerful stuff. And it just, like, kind of blew my mind. Like this seems like such important information for people to just be aware of. But nobody, I guess, is not taught in schools. You kind of have to like find it on your own. Yeah. Yeah. Not, I wish that was being taught in schools after my own past. That'd be like start, like, at least kind of understanding better. There'd probably be more empathy amongst other kids too, thinking, you know, what other kids are experiencing. Do you think, like, there's gotta be a link between emotions and losing a parent early on. And then like, kind of later on, just like the development because I feel like you and I are similar in the ways of being aware of our emotions as dads and just like, hyper aware at times, but just like also being aware of how precious things are. Like, I don't know that there was not really a question or something. Just like thinking about that link between losing a parent, or it doesn't even have to be a parent. It could be someone close. And just that impact on how you view life and challenges and and your own emotions. That yeah. Totally. I think, like, anytime you have, like, a big experience like that, it does kind of rewire the way you look at things. I'm curious. I don't know if I have a good answer for that, to be honest. I'm trying to like think through it. But I do have a question for you. How did, how did, how did your, peers at school, like kids at school when they found out your mom passed away? Like, how did all that, that play out? Like, were they bought, did they say anything about it at all? Was it. They were like, sorry, I think it was, during a summer break, so I think there was, like, summer school. This would have been, like, 6th grade. So I think there was I think I was, like, going to summer school, and it wasn't, you know, like, your normal it was basically, like, day care, I guess, for Yeah. 6th graders. And I remember, you know, staying home, and, I got some letters, I think, from from kids, you know, and the staff at school had, like, sent me there was, like, a shed, I just remember, where, like, they would store all, like, the basketballs and stuff, and they gave me a key to the shed. And they were, like, you can go in anytime you want. But, like, I wasn't going back to summer school. You know? And Yeah. I think I I just remember I think I was just staying home. I think my dad stayed home a little bit. But I remember the kids being really, like, nice. I went to a Christian school for another, like, year after that. So it was kind of a small, like, private school, I guess. And they were nice, but it was also like just kind of going into 7th grade people at that age, which I know you're familiar with, it's like everyone's so focused on themselves Yeah. You know, that it was very, like, it almost was like, oh, I'm so sorry. And then, you know, kids at that age, they're very, like, focused on what they're wearing and how they're being perceived amongst their peers, you know? So I was kind of like trying to deal with that. And that like trying to figure out like, oh, what shoes should I get and start focusing on other things. And my dad was, like I had a friend. He was just, like, just his mom was, like, going back to school shopping, and said, can you just take Dylan? So it was, like, kind of figuring out all those things. So I I remember the more of the focus, just everyone kind of being on their own in their own kind of realm. But with my friends, it was just kind of, like, felt a little foreign too. They, like, didn't know how to really interact with me. They were, like Yeah. Like, are you almost like you're just like a kinda weirdo, but like an alien in a lot of ways. Yeah. For sure. Like there's like the uncertainty of like, do I say something? What should I say? And like they know about it. They probably talk about like the fact that it happened. Like how do I actually talk to the person that's dealing with it? You know, it's, it can be challenging even I think as adults, even it's hard to know what to say sometimes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like and then it felt like sometimes, like, some parents would know, you know, if I was, like, going over to a friend's house, then sometimes they wouldn't or, like, friends would tell other friends, and it just felt like this kind of weird thing you're, like, walking around with. Yeah. You know, like, some people would know, some people would know, and then maybe they'd make a joke, like, hear your mama joke. Yeah. Then, like, some of their friend would be like, hey. Like, Not to him. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. It's like, oh, I'm so sorry. You know? And then it just becomes this thing, and then you're like, I'm just exist you know? I didn't Yeah. Didn't ask for any of this, and now it's kind of awkward. And now, hey, then you're like, I would feel responsible for, like, kinda changing the mood. We need to, I don't know. Like, it is what it is. Like, it's an accident or whatever, or you didn't mean it. So Yeah. I don't know. Totally. Totally. And adaptability too. Like, I think it helped me at a young age, like, kind of adapt to different environments that, you know, I don't know how good I would have been at that had I not gone through that. Yeah. You know? Just, like, social kind of interactions. I I don't know why, but I think a lot of it with, like, friends, but then also with, like, friends' parents. Or friends. I don't know. I find myself at, like, friends' houses and, like, parents would be talking or whatever. Because naturally, I guess, friends' parents ask about your own parents. So then it would kinda come up, and then there would this be this, like, softness from the parents usually where they'd be like, oh, you know, like, I really like Dylan because, you know, probably because they're like, this dude's just with his dad or something. Yeah. So I felt like I would almost get more, like, sympathy from the parents than than, the kids sometimes. You know what I mean? Totally. No. That definitely makes sense. I think they just yeah. They probably imagine themselves going through something similar. They're just like probably putting themselves in your mom's shoes. Like, man, what if I had to go through that and experience it? Yeah, I think you, when you hear about something like this happening, it just kind of makes you hug your kids a little bit tighter. You know, that the next time you see them and creates more urgency and like reminding you to tell your, tell people around you how you feel about them. Yeah. But yeah, it's, it's a lot of losing a parent is like one. And then the other piece of it that we have in common is like growing up with single dads, you know? Did your dad get remarried pretty quick or did he get remarried or No. My dad, and I would say this, I'd say anything I say about my dad, Yeah. Him, like because that's just this is how we roll. But my dad was, I'll say was, for the record, was just like a playboy. You know? Like Yeah. Like, dating. You know? You got girls in different area codes. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. But, and I love him for that. Yeah. And I was not I was not dating girls. Like, I wish he's like, why aren't you dating girls? He's like, you know, you could have girlfriends. I'm like, I'm trying out here, dad. It's hard. It's, you know, and he's like, I'm going on another date. So he didn't. But there were multiple girlfriends. Multiple girlfriends. He is remarried now. He about 10, 11 years ago, he got, he met someone and they got married really fast. Yeah. What what about you? He got married right away out of Really? It was pretty quick, and it was a very short lived marriage. I don't know if I ever would have given her a chance. You know what I mean? But Yeah. Yeah. Just not somebody that I I mean, at yeah. At that point, just not something I was fond of at any point. I remember one time, like, she told me she liked the shirt I was wearing, so I went and changed. I put something else on because, like, I don't I'm not worried about your approval. I don't want you to like the things that I'm doing. Kind of a deal, just, you know? And then he kind of did it a little bit, but then he got married again after I graduated high school. I was in college and they've been married ever since. So, which has been been awesome for him and I'm happy for them. But, My stepmom now, I can relate with that. My stepmom now, it's been a, like, a interesting relationship. You know? Yeah. And I just, you know, by interesting, I mean, like, yeah. Like, just different, like, different. Like, we didn't connect much. I think they were dating for, like, 6 months before they got married. And I didn't really ever get to know her. I've never like spent alone time with her, you know. And so if there if we ever do hit some turbulence in our relationship, it's to me, it's usually, like, I kind of revert to in my mind, I'm, like, you know, my mom. Like, I have no say in the, you know Yeah. You and my dad. It's kinda it's like it's not like your mom. Like, you're in a Yeah. Separate thing. You know? I respect, like, my dad's decision, but this is not it's not this is not my thing like, you know, for her sons. Yeah. Yeah. And so that's kinda how I view it. I don't know how she views it. I'm sure she views it as, like, her son or something, and that's fine. You know? But, like Yeah. I respect her, and it's just you know? But it definitely, like, kind of triggers some things in me where I'm just like, you know, you're not Yeah. You're not you're not my mom. Or she's we, I remember with my kids, because they they call her grandma and she's awesome. She's great with the kids, great with my dad. You know, I love her a lot. But I remember, like, waiting a little bit to figure out. I gotta tell them, like, this isn't actually my mom and, like, let them know, like, you know, just the dynamics of this and, which is kind of an awkward conversation, you know, to to even bring that up. But glad that I did. And I just do wish they could have had a relationship with her, you know, like, that's one of the hardest pieces of, like, this of losing a parent. Like, you go through it and then like, oh man, there's these new descendants of your, you know, so yeah, I wish they could have had a relationship with her for sure. Cause that would, that would have been super special. And I know she would have been an incredible grandma also. So it's unfortunate like that whole element is just kind of removed from their lives with, with this one person they have, like, her mom is incredible. My dad's wife and my stepmom is awesome as well. So it's, I'm glad they have, like, those those people in their life, but it's just it's not the same, you know? Yeah. Do you have I I have just have this and I don't do this, but I'm like, I'm gonna do it. Do you have any photos of your mom out? I don't. You know, that's interesting. Yeah. Like nothing. Yeah. Photos. I think I have like one picture of my dad. It took me a while to put photos up in the house. I definitely have them. It actually, it's weird. So when I was married, we didn't have any photos up. We had very few, but then as soon as the divorce happened, that was like pictures of the kids everywhere. And I don't, I don't know why that was that. That's just how it played out. But yeah, nothing, nothing on my mom. I had, I used to have one of her when she was a little with her family. I don't have up currently, but yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't have that. It's interesting. Same. And I think a couple of years ago, I don't know if it was a therapist or someone asked me, like, oh, do you have, like, photos of your mom? I'm like, no. But I don't know why I don't. You know, like, maybe because I've seen the photos that I do have so much that I'm like, but it got me to like thinking I was like, you know what, I should because like, it kind of hurts too, though, to see those pictures, you know, like, don't want them to like hurt every day. I wake up and like just start crying randomly looking at a photo before I call her or something. Like, it's painful, like, seeing those pictures. I mean, I love it. It's definitely rewarding, but it does hurt at the same time. You know? 100%. I wonder though if it would get easier. The first, like, week or 2 would be, like, hard. But I wonder if it get easier. You know, I'm gonna try it. I'll let you know. Because I get it 100% of like, see that? You know? Like Yeah. It seems like it would be a heavy day, but it'd be like Heavy day. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if it would get just easier and then turn into, like, oh, it's actually kind of sweet or something. I don't know. That's my Yeah. Definitely. I think it would. I think it would have been easier to do it, like, 20 years ago or whatever. Yeah. Cause now there's just like so much built up. Like how, you know, all those years have been processed, but yeah, I'm probably gonna do it also. I'll find a good picture and get something printed. I'm glad we had this conversation. Hopefully, people listening are like, I'm gonna do that too. Yeah. There are some cultures that have the traditions, right? Like, deals with this is like, that's kind of the idea behind it, remembering the dead, but we don't really have that in America as much, you know, it's not like part of our culture to like set aside time specific for people that have lost. Unlike mother's day, I'll go visit the, her grave site. And when there was my dad this year, just do some cleaning up and leave some flowers, but not really like, not really a day specifically for, for relatives that have passed away. Yeah. Yeah. That's that definitely speaks to a bigger topic in general. I feel like of our like culture or lack thereof of, like, tradition and how we deal with certain things. You know? I was I spent some time in Bali, and, you know, I'd be riding my scooter down the road and, like, they would have these huge funerals. They build these wooden, like, not monuments, but, can't think of the word. But they build these wooden things, and the body would be at the top, you know, and then they'd light it on fire and it'd be like this huge send off to be like vendors in the street selling items and things like that. It was just like such a different experience. Also at like, a friend's house, they would, you know, have the body out there for days where, like, you could view the body. The family would come and sit with the body. They'd bring stuff to the body. Just a completely different Totally. Experience with death. And and here, it's like this weird, you know, sliced off, like, that's a different it's done it's we don't process it very well. It's like death and sexuality is a weird thing in this US modern culture. Yeah. We just, like, just don't talk about it. Yeah. Like, just don't talk about it. Yeah. It's so unhealthy. It is so unhealthy for sure. Yeah. Well, switching up just real quick before we kind of, like, wrap up on this. I have one question for you. That was I was, like, taking notes before we recorded this episode, and I'm like, you know, I gotta ask. So are you would you say you're single right now? Yeah. Okay. And if there's, you know, Jacob's girl out there is gonna hear this and then, what do you mean? Yeah. For sure. Being a single father, are there assumptions that people make about you that, like, you've noticed? Not really. I think it's just, like, so common in our culture for fathers to be single at this point. Like people just getting divorced. It's almost more unusual to like be in a relationship with your children. You know, both, both parents being together. So I don't, I don't think there have been, it definitely is. It's a challenging scenario because like dating takes time. You know what I mean? And then you're like wondering, like, what are people thinking about me? And I mean, I don't, I'm not the kind of person. I don't like hurting feelings, you know, but I also like very aware, like, I don't want like my actions to like people to look at my kids differently because of the things that I'm doing. So it's yeah. I wouldn't say people I don't know that people are looking at different. I think it is pretty normal in our our society at this point. But it is definitely hard, like, making time for dating, like, it gets exhausting. And then even thinking about, like, a joint relationship or, like, a joint family, like or blended family, I think, is the the term for it of, like, being in a committed relationship, marrying somebody that has kids, like, bringing all of our families together. Like, that's a lot. That's a stressful situation. I was in a pretty long term relationship with a girl I did in high school, and we were kind of having that conversation and ended up not working out. But, it's just it's a lot to think about. And people do it. I think some people just don't put a lot of thought into how they do it, unfortunately. Some people do it very well. But the people I know that do it well, like, they'll admit, like, it's it's really hard making it happen because you're thinking, like, there's these other kids that, like, I wanna make sure they know that they're loved and valued, but then your kids are looking at you. Like, are you picking favorites with them and not me? Like, I used to be your world, and now there's these other things that are here that are taking up some of your attention. And so it's, there's definitely a lot there that I think about, and it is it is kinda stressful because I do want to find a partner, but at the same time, I don't wanna make decisions that are gonna damage my relationship with my kids. I don't want them to feel like I'm picking somebody over them. So it's it's a it's a lot it's a lot to think about for sure. And I feel like we could do a whole, like, dating episode in the future. Yeah. But would you say you meet a girl after this, or maybe she listens to this, and she's like, oh my gosh. Jacob? That's the guy. That's the guy. It's right. That's the man male too. We and but she doesn't have kids. She likes that you have kids, but she wants to start over. Would you start over? I can't. It's too late. I crossed that bridge already. Like the snip has a sniff. Did you visect me? Yeah, I did. Yeah. Yeah. So it's too late for that, but yeah, I'm not, not interested in additional kids. Other people's kids that already exist, you know, it's probably gonna be part of the territory. And, Yeah. So definitely, like, wanna play that role and, you know, whatever that ends up looking like. But, yeah, no, No more little Jacobs out there. That's cool. That's cool. Yeah. Awesome. Awesome. Anything else, I think, that we didn't touch on around these topics, before we sign off? No. Those are great. I appreciate the, the conversation. Hopefully people are taking value out of the, just us trying to uncover layers. And I think that, there definitely is a space for this sort of a podcast and the community that that we're building around authenticity. Like, it's okay to be, like, ambitious and want to make great things happen, but at the same time, be vulnerable and admit we don't have it all figured out because I've worked with enough successful people in my life to know that everybody has their things. And even the people that are trying to project this image of perfection and having it all together, like they got their things are working through too, and the better and more comfortable we can get about trying to open up. Yeah, I think it would just be a really healthy, healthy thing for everybody. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. My thoughts on it too. Like, this podcast in general, the conversations that we're creating. One thing that I had said last time before we recorded the first episode of like, I would love to challenge each other to be as real as possible, without being like, unsafe in any way, you know, like, there's like personal information and things like that. But also, I like to not have answers for everything. It's really just share without being like, I know how to do this. I know how to do that. Because we all know like the stereotype of like, especially like dads, it's like kind of stubborn. There's like a stubbornness to it. And that's good. That's good to be stubborn, sometimes in certain areas, because it gets stuff done. But at the same time, too, you don't want to be like, oh, here's all my problems. And all we talk about is just like gossip and in just the issues and offer nothing. And so to like kind of balance, sharing what works and not having all the answers and not saying we're getting it perfect and really just, like, share the experience is is exciting. And I think, it needs to happen, you know? A 100% needs to happen is absolutely correct. Hey. Well, I'll see you in the next one. Let's go.